Lately

So lately I have been trying not to think about what is really going on in my life and focusing on the here and now. Denial is what I guess you could really call it. I have been doing this for quite sometime and then there he was. Sitting on the coach with his eyes shut looking so peaceful and asleep but probably just trying to bare the pain quietly. I don't know what it is about shutting your eyes when you are in pain, some how it helps. I love knowing that he could be listening. So I walked over and sat by him and situated myself in the spot that I have been so comfortable in for all of my life. It's different now because I worry about what side I am on. If that's the side that causes him the most pain or not. He carries this trial so well. Always a smile, a joke, a look to let you know he loves you. He looked over at me slowly as soon as I sat down and he whispered "I love you". I remember calling my dad shortly after I was married to tell him I loved him and really nothing more. He responded with asking what I wanted from him and I remember saying, Oh daddy. I have been wanting lately to just sit by him in "my spot" with his arm around me. His I Love you through me for one today and spun my head around thinking about what is to come in the next short while. It's a comfort to know that he can still be with me when he has left this life. I will definitely be a spoiled brat with two Father's in Heaven watching over me. This is comforting as was his I love you today.

D-backs tour

Brad scored some tickets to take a tour of the ball field this morning. It was really cool. I think this makes us total d-back weirdos but I guess you have to be weird about something. Oh and we found out that the pool is like 6,500 dollars to rent out for thirty people and you get all kinds of cool stuff so if anyone wants to dish out some cash and split it let us know and we'll find some other sucker, ooophs! I meant person to split the other part and we can all have a great time. Until then we'll have to move the TV out to the pool area.

Brad couldn't have been more jolly being there with his two kids. He really loves baseball, so he was like a kid in a candy store.


Our babies had such a good time. I think they felt like the place was there's for the morning.




While we were checking out the dug-out a guy walked up and gave Brigg a ball just like in the movies. He was so excited to have received it and the way that Brad looked at it I think he was just as excited.

Things get crazy around here. Some days are good other days I fall to pieces and other other days I don't even get dressed. I have had two total break downs in which I am not proud of. One was at the dentist. Our dear dentist is a wonderful friend of ours and is a totally genuine person. So he walked in to see me and asked how I was doing and I couldn't answer because I broke down so quickly that I couldn't even speak. He hugged my head (I was laying back) and wiped the tears out of my ears. Pathetic. The other was in relief society and the women giving the talk spoke about how she had talked to her dad on the phone yesterday. I think the women is like 50 or so and I hated her for still having her father in her life. I screamed in my head it's not right!!! and I broke down crying so bad the RS pres came and sat by me as well as my visiting teacher. I felt like a complete idiot and wanted to just run out of the room. Luckily enough for me and everyone else those day's are few and far between. If I think about it I cry or if someone tells me about how wonderful my dad is etc. For the most part however, having a one year old and a three year old keeps me on my toes and laughing. I mentioned last time that Vanessa was good medicine for my dad, I think she is good medicine for all of us. I am glad Brad and I didn't wait to have kids because they bring so much joy.

As you can imagine I half to have an outlet or two to deal with all of this stress. I have been working on a site of decorating ideas for a short while. I don't know how many people know this but I love to decorate and I want to get better at it. So I just thought I would introduce the site to the rest of you who love decorating or just like to look at beautiful pictures . It's called Idea Stalker since I don't have a home I steal other people's great ideas and post them til I can use some of them in my own space. Who knows when I'll get it but at least I'll have a really good place to get ideas. I hope you enjoy it!

Breaking the Silence

I have thought long and hard about sharing this on the blog and finally decided to break the silence. It's been a long past couple of weeks at our house. It started for me of all places on the trampoline. I was watching Tylee and my two jump with my mother. My mom had just come home from the Dr. with my dad. They took him because he was certain that he had shingles and needed to get something to treat the pain around his abdomen. I was kind of having a ruff day with feeling a little overwhelmed with kids as mother's sometimes can feel. My mom started talking about the Dr's appointment and had said that the Dr. had found large masses in his liver and pancreas. At this point it didn't feel like anything was the matter. I like many people my age think that they will out live their father. Well quite a few Dr appointment's later our family was informed that he has between 3-9 months to live.

Amazing how perspective can change in an instant. This world constantly reminds me that it's not about me but about serving others. I don't know why I haven't figured that out sooner because I have had two of the greatest examples to learn from. The wave of people coming over and sharing their thanks and I love yous is overwhelming. There are men constantly outside working on projects that need to be taken care of before he passes so my mom doesn't have to worry. To all of those men Thank You. And to all of the wives that bring over dinners Thank you. I use to take naps for fun but now I find that answering the phone and the door leaves me exhausted.
Some things I have learned about my dad in these past few days is how strong he is. He is in constant pain and he puts on a smile and shows us how much he loves us. My dad cares about the "one" regardless of the group that he often is teaching. A women came to the door and had brought my dad a quilt and some tortilla's. She had said that she felt like she had found a new son in my father only after meeting him once. I am amazed at that. But it's not taking much these days.
So today he goes in for chemotherapy and we'll see what that does for him. The Dr's are saying perhaps it will buy him a few days or even months. I am glad I am here with him. I think my daughter is good medicine for pampa.

Brigg's 3rd Birthday

My little baby is growing up. It's wierd to think that I have a three year old. I went to bunco last night and a girl there had told me she had been married for 5 years. I thought wow that's a long time until I realized that I will be married for four in July. It's amazing how quickly time passes. So here are a lot of photo's of briggs happenings of the day.

We started the day off right with some blueberry pancakes and fruit. (fruit is a must because Nessy is anti bread and meat. If she grows up to be a vegetarian I think she's going to get a spakin')

We let the kids play all morning and then went to sweet tomatoes for lunch and played at the park next store.








This bird was insane. Brad and I don't know what kindof bird it is but it would go under the water for what seemed like minutes and then pop up on the other side of the pond. I have never seen anything like it, thus the pic.






Brad and I had fully intended on throwing brigg a birthday party with his buddies but I think it just became too overwhelming for me. There never seemed to be a good weekend so after going to the park and to target (he picked out new shoes) we came home and threw together a party for the little guy.


Brigg is really into buzz lightyear right now and Vanessa is really into cake so this is what I came up with. I can't take total credit for the design because I stole it off of "be different act normal". When Brigg saw it he said "OH MY GOSH!!! MOMMY A ROCKET!!" I hate him saying oh my gosh but it was still really cute how much he loved the cake.

New York

So Brad went to New York with his Master's program and had a great time. He says it looks bigger in the movies, he makes me laugh. Thought I'd post a few pics of the trip.

I didn't want to say it but.....

I think when choosing a name for your child you try and think about all of the ways that other kids can make fun of it. I know we really may have scarred Brigham for life but we'll chalk that up there to a boy named Sue. At any rate I thought we had a real winner with Vanessa. It's just such a pretty name in my opinion. Well since she has been born she has been called Vanna, Nessa, Nessy, Nanny, Sissy, Sissy LaLa, Sister, and I think Nessy-Pessy is one Brad has proclaimed upon her. Well I am okay with all of those but the one I was dreading was Messy Nessy but if the boot fits....

The Red Polka Dot Give away

So my site TheRedPolkaDot has a new look and I am celebrating by doing a give away. If you are interested in winning this tutu and checking out the new look go to TheRedPolkaDot

BIG DAY TOMORROW!!!!!

So my sweet husband is finally coming home and it's my Birthday. It's the best gift ever!!! He has been so sweet this entire week by remembering the birthday monster. Every morning I wake up to find a clue on the table as to where my present is hidden that day. It has been so nice and has helped pass the time. I have a wonderful guy!